the taste of yearning
by TuesdayTerrible
Summary: "I failed you. How am I suppose to live with that?"


A/N: Because I adore Rick and Lori- and the sheer unjustified pain of it all. Reviews are really appreciated- please leave me some.

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**the taste of yearning**

He wakes up to the feel of her hand against his cheek- faint yet solid. He knows she's not there, and the ghost of her is no longer uplifting but tormenting. She doesnt speak as he closes her eyes and tries to will her away, but when he opens his eyes- shes still there- unwavering.

Their sons breath rises and falls underneathe them, and Rick struggles to supress a strangled sob."_I shoulda told you." _he whispers at nothing- the self conscious manifestion of his wife- or perhaps her ghost- he really couldnt tell you honestly anymore, if he ever could have.

"I shoulda told you how much I _love _you." his hand reaches to push a strand of brown hair away from her face- and falls flat against his matress. A haunting reminder how far away she was from him.

"I wanted to keep everyone safe. I wanted to keep you, Carl...the baby..I wanted to keep them safe. And I..."

Lori doesnt move to comfort him, her face isnt accusing or cruel. It is not compassionate or kind. Her face is patient as she waits for her husband, patient as it ever was when he was telling her something rather she agreed or not. She waited- she listened.

"I _failed _you. How am I suppose to _live_ with that?"

The tears stain his cheeks and he rolls off of his side onto his back, knotting his hands into fists thumping softly at his eyes.

"Go _away _Lor..." his voice is harsh, fighting desperatly to keep his head in the game as he watches the son rise through his barred windows. "I cant have this right now."

When he looks to his right- she is gone, and he doesnt feel any better- or any less empty.

.

"Mom _died _thinking you didnt love her!" Carl knows he's gone to far as soon as the words fall from his mouth- his mouth gapes open wishing to suck them back in. But the damage has already been done, he watches his fathers face fall.

"Ya...ya think I dont know that?" He runs his hand through his black hair, and he's laughing even though his eyes are shiny with unshed tears.

"Dad I..." Carl begins but Rick already has his back turned walking away, and Carl doesnt have the strength to go after him.

.

Hes laying in his bed and he hears all of their whispers about him and his mental health. His need to sleep, their need to act- his need to step down if he cant step up. She's standing in the doorway when he looks down to it and he wants her to come up and comfort him- and she cant and he knows it.

"Make this better Lor." he says rising to a seat as he stares down at her. "Us." his hands pull at his hair as he tries to find words hes certain arent there and arent going to come.

He's stares at her as she proceeds to leave the room- her wedding dress trailing the floor, a harsh contrast to the dirty prison floor and he finds himself hopping down from his bed to follow. It doesnt matter that he's gone batshit crazy- he knows this may be very well what he's been waiting for.

.

"Get back here!" Hershel yells at him from the stairs. "And do something. We dont have time for this."

He pauses, only for a fragment of a second- watching Lori dissapear around the corner.

"I have to make_ time_.." and he continues following her, knowing this is the reason- this is what he's been waiting for. Shes going to show him a way that will ease the guilt, the pain, the _suffering. _

He doesnt hear Daryl following him, or Maggie and Carl. It's not they are being light footed but he's focused. His eyes on nothing but the woman before him. His wife, the mother of his child...of his children- so close and so out of reach.

"Where are you taking me Lori?" he mutters, and the others hear him- invading a privacy theyre afraid to give him at this point.

"Dont got time for this." Daryl grumbles, not intentionally inconsiderate- but unable to express his concern. Maggie nudges him roughly in the elbow gesturing towards Carl- and Daryl scuffs an apology.

"Dont." Carl says quietly. "youre right."

Maggie shakes her head in appall as she looks at the two of them. "He's lost his wife. You dont know how that feels."

"And ive lost my mom!" Carl counters, eyes blazing.

"I was there." Maggie bites back colder than she intended. "And Ive also lost mine- but I dont try to understand your fathers grief- because I cant. If I lost Glenn Id...I dont know if I wouldnt opt out- and Ive spent less time with Glenn than your father has with your mother."

Before Carl can respond rather an apology or retort, Daryl interupts with no more than a head nod.

"S'gone." He says shrugging his shoulders.

"Its for the best." Maggie says slowly. "He needs this time to work through..."

"Yeah." Carl says, his fathers hat hiding his eyes- as he is the first to turn around back to their prison cells.

.

She leads him towards the part of the prison where she died- where he stabbed a rotting corpse bloated with her body. She hovers around where she died, the blood staining the floor- and Rick is forced to relive the horrors only his mind is capable of conjuring in regards to her death.

She stares at him, having a seat across the room as he sobs helplessly on her blood stain- its not until he unclicks the gun from his side and points it to the side of his head does she rise to close the distance between the two of them.

Tears coat his face as he pushes the barrel against his temple. "This is what you want?" he sobs "because Id give my life for yours Lori, you know I would."

She shakes her head frantically and he can feel the anger swell in him- with a backswell of grief and he unclicks the safety.

Her eyes turn hard now- a face he remembers well from fighting with her- from scolding Carl. He knows that face, and he knows he would be getting an earful.

_Rick you put that gun down, right now. What do you think youre doing?_

Her lips did not move- but her expression said everything his head was saying.

"Im really crazy arent I?" he muttered, finding her hard brown eyes with his own.

"What do you want me to do Lor..whyd you bring me here?"

_I want you to pull yourself together, pulling that trigger is the easiest thing in this god damn world. If its easy- dont you do it. You get yourself together and you take care of our son of our daughter, and those people. They NEED you._

_ "You _needed me." he whispers voice raw with an emotion he's sick of feeling.

Her expression softens- only in the slightest as she presses her forehead against his, and even though he feels nothing. He feels comforted, if only for a moment.

_Im not here because of your guilt. There is nothing profound about this expierience. I dont need anything from you...not anymore. I need you to be the man I know you to be. The man I love. I need you to let me go, so I can move on._

"Let...you go?" Rick said turning his head up to meet her eyes- they seemed to water and she smiled as she nodded her head.

_Stop doing this to yourself. I love you. So so much._

"I love you too Lori. I love you too."

He watched her shimmer away- not dissapear- but slowly fade away into a bloodstain that no longer stains the prison floor.

It wasnt the closure he wanted, it wasnt the clossure he felt he needed. But if it was Lori he was holding back- and not Lori holding him back- HE needed to be the man she deserved even if she wasnt here to appreciate it. He needed to be the man she knew him to be so SHE could be at peace.

He understood that now, and with a broken but refrained form- He marches back to the cells to resolve the oncoming threat- to stand his ground. For his wife. For himself. And for his family.


End file.
